Of Knights and Aliens
by Jed Rose
Summary: Merlin/ Torchwood. The rift deposits Arthur and Merlin in the middle of Cardiff. Janto... there might be some Merthur... if you're lucky!
1. Chapter 1

Nothing belongs to me apart from the concept… no copyright infringement intended… the all powerful beeb owns everything (including my soul)… yada yada yada… enjoy

Chapter one: The wonders of Coffee

* * *

Jack came back to life to the sound of the rift monitor going off. Owen snarled.

"Great. Now he's just going to get killed all over again."

Although he liked to portray an air of indifference and sarcasm, the team knew that Owen wasn't really _that_ shallow. Tosh and Ianto started reading out various computer readings, whilst Gwen readied the SUV, and Owen readied Jack.

"Get your arse out of bed, there was just a massive rift spike. You can't laze around _all _day."

Within seconds Jack was up and armed with a lethal looking laser and a trademark grin. The only evidence as to what he had just gone through was a nasty looking burn to one of his many identical blue shirts.

"Argh! This was my favourite shirt!"

Jack's grin faltered. Ianto rolled his eyes.

"We'll sort it out later..."

"Erm... guys? Yeah... major rift spike above the hub? Ringing any bells? No?"

Jack reluctantly followed Owen to the lift, whilst the others sprinted to the tourist office entrance. The sight that greeted them when they arrived on the plass was enough to leave Jack's gorgeous jaw line stretched to full capacity. The ever calm Ianto decided to take over proceedings.

"Hello there! We can help you out and provide you with some food and drinks, if you would like to follow me? I'm sure we can explain what must have been a rather traumatic experi..."

Ianto was silenced by a gleaming sword being held to his outstretched hand. It's wielder looked dubious.

"Follow you to some secret hideout where you will hold me to ransom or kill me? Unlikely." The handsome blonde laughed haughtily. "Now I demand you tell me, sorcerer, where the _hell _are we?"

During his speech the sword has come to rest rather too comfortably on Ianto's shoulder, whilst the man's eyes rested swung alertly from one team member to another.

Unperturbed, Ianto continued.

"We are currently in Cardiff, Wales. Now, if you wouldn't mind lowering your sword? I am completely unarmed... but my colleagues here are armed and trained to use their weapons. Shall we start at the beginning? At least humour us."

The man lowered his sword about half an inch.

"My name is Prince Arthur Pendragon of Camelot, son of King Uther. If you or your... colleagues...are sorcerers, I shall kill you immediately."

Arthur gestured to a scrawny raven- haired boy standing to his left.

"That's Merlin."

* * *

To say that Gwen or Tosh looked surprised was an understatement. Ianto managed to mouth "Merlin?", and Jack was forced to stand in.

"Ah Prince Arthur, of course." A suggestive wink followed. "And Merlin. Fantastic! If you would follow us. I can assure you that we are no sorcerers. We can provide you with food and lodgings until we can find out what's going on."

After this massive speech, Arthur seemed more relaxed. Merlin however, seemed far more wary. Nonetheless, both men followed the team to the Tourist Office.

Once inside, Ianto made everyone a cup of coffee. Strong and black for Arthur, Jack and himself (the only way coffee should _ever_ be drunk); iced coffees for Gwen and Tosh (it was Summer after all, Ianto mused, albeit one in Cardiff); Decaff for Owen (for his contstant use of the nickname "tea- boy") and a frothy cappuccino with whipped cream, grated chocolate, marshmallows and every powdered topping he could find, for Merlin.

Ianto could smply tell what beverage anyone needed at any given time. Hell, he'd even made Tosh some tea once!

In the conference room, Jack decided to placate the medieval visitors with their coffees and some pastries from the patisserie opposite, before trying to explain. Whilst Arthur looked dubious and ill at ease, Merlin had thwarted all inhibitions and was tucking into his third jam tart sporting a milk- froth moustache peppered with cocoa.

Sighing, evidently content, Merlin leaned back, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and watched Arthur sip his beverage, and norrow his eyes. "What is this stuff? Its…"

"Its delicious! Creamy and frothy, scrumptiously yumsomely scrummy and… and… and its making me even more hyperactive than normal!" This bubbled from Merlin's mouth at full throttle.

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Oh Gods. Just what we need."

Ianto smirked. "The wonders of coffee. Now, shall we begin?"

* * *

Oooh. I know 'tis short, but methinks it's a good place to end the chapter :P I'm notoriously bad at updating… but I'll try… (I am in the middle of my GCSEs at the moment so please forgive me .)

Reviews would definitely help :P

See y'all next time (Here I'm assuming that people actually read this… Pwease? :3)


	2. Chapter 2

No copyright infringement intended and **all that jazz**. Aw great, now the song's in my head… and probably yours too :P

* * *

Chapter two: Nighty night

Jack had kept things simple in the meeting. Simple, but not entirely truthful.

"None of us are sorcerers, which means that someone in Camelot must have transported you here, for whatever reason…"

Arthur snorted. "I am the crown prince."

"Yeah… so anyway, you're now in the future. It's the year 2010, and we're currently located in Cardiff, Wales. So children, any questions?"

Silence reigned. Until Merlin managed to shut his previously gaping mouth and ask the obvious question- how were they going to get back?

"We don't know. But it's late, we'll figure things out later. We've got some spare rooms- they won't be what you're used to and are slightly neglected, but they have beds and covers- and we're located in a secret base, we have weapons. You'll be safe."

Merlin gaped. The room was large- about the size of Arthur's chambers. Two single beds had been pushed apart to opposite walls, with identical bedside tables containing a bottle of water and a lamp each.

Ianto had persuaded Jack to let him create the spare room, and it was tastefully designed, with a plush navy carpet and two armchairs before a small television.

Two pillows, a heavy duvet and a small chocolate rested on each of the mattresses. They were nasal designed- God knows, Jack needs as much sleep as possible when he finally drifts off- but Merlin was simply enthralled by the duvet.

Snuggling into it like a kitten, his large ears immersed in the fabric, he grinned hugely. The weak sleeping pills that Ianto had slipped in the drinks were beginning to take effect.

Arthur's reaction was no less comedic. After Jack's modest description of the room, he was prepared for sleeping in a hay stack, some blankets or, God forbid, cold stone floor. Indeed, paying all attention to the floor as he entered the room, he was pleased to find a plush covering that would serve nicely as a bed.

Then he saw the beds.

True, he was used to a double four poster bed, but the fact that there were _two _beds, in the _spare_ room, surprised him. The immensely warm, soft covering on the bed was satisfying to snuggle up in, and if he was right, it smelt of orange blossom.

Arthur laughed.

Ianto smirked.

Merlin fell asleep.

"Erm, Merlin? Sir?" Tosh entered the room timidly to find the warlock asleep nestled in the duvet, and Arthur lounging on an armchair, eating his, and, Tosh suspected, Merlin's chocolates.

"Oh, Prince Arthur! Hello Sire. Should I wake him, only- you ought to get ready for bed properly- that is, I think your customs may be outdated, I mean…"

"Lady Toshiko, that is quite alright- we will, of course, conform to your customs to the best of our abilities. Arthur leant near to his manservant. MERLIN?"

The poor boy jumped, hair already tousled. Tosh grinned. "Follow me?"

After being carefully instructed how the various bathroom appliances worked, and how to brush their teeth, Tosh handed them each some soft pyjamas.

"To wear in bed. Ianto's father was a tailor- they should fit."

* * *

In the main hub, Jack sniggered.

"You gave him children's pyjamas? Merlin. The. Sorcerer. In kiddie PJs?"

Ianto pouted. "They had a dragon on them, Jack. A _dragon._ And how would he know? Just don't tell him. I bet it makes him feel at home… there was a dragon in Camelot in Merlin's time. Actually, Merlin set it free and it tried to destroy Camelot..."

Jack frowned.

"But as long as that hasn't happened yet, _then_ he'll feel at home."

Jack rolled his eyes, then licked his lips suggestively.

"Bedtime?"

An innocent enough word, but not when it slithered out of Jack Harkness's lips. In Ianto's opinion, it sounded more like:

"_Bedtime… do you want to fuck me senseless? Or would you prefer me to do it?"_

But who was he to object. Ianto curled his lips upwards, knowing that whilst Jack's bunker was somewhat cramped, the 51st century lock and soundproofing would ensure they had no interruptions.

"Sure."

Jack had a fleeting thought that Ianto was far too sexy for 'sure' to simply sound like 'sure'. In fact, he thought it sounded like:

"_Sure… do you want to fuck me senseless? Or would you prefer me to do it… Sir?"_

* * *

Arthur woke up first. His bright red silk pyjamas and slippers felt majestic, little did he know that he appeared juvenile in the bright primary colour. Merlin's dark blue pyjamas were made of a soft material that got darker or lighter depending on the way you stroked it. Arthur knew, because Merlin had woken him up in the middle of the night after discovering it in the blue gloam of their nightlight.

They also appeared to have a golden dragon stitched onto the front, Arthur noted suspiciously.

Arthur glanced at Merlin. His tousled hair and pale alabaster skin looked simply _angelic._ And oh gods, his lips. Bright red, slightly parted, simply beautiful. No, it was more than that… his lips were… orgasmi…

Arthur managed to cut his brain off from finishing the word, his whole body horrified at what he was feeling for his manservant. Well; not his _whole_ body…

The prince was suddenly extremely glad for the looseness of his pyjama trousers, and the thickness of the duvet. Thinking of the troll his father had married (brain addled by sorcery, of course) for a few seconds solved his _problem_, and Arthur rose gracefully in the bed, hit his head on the low ceiling, fell onto the carpet (he was shocked to find how soft the _floor_ was), forward rolled to lessen the impact, then stood up.

Sitting on the armchair in front of the black rectangle, he waited for Merlin to wake up. Surely his clumsy manservant would balls up getting out of bed even worse than he had.

Arthur smirked, and waited.

And waited.

His stomach growled. He didn't know what time it was- the underground room lacked windows (obviously), but he guessed that he had just spent an hour staring at his manservant sleeping, under the pretence of waiting for him to fall out of bed.

"No," Arthur corrected himself mentally. "I'm waiting for him to fall out of bed."

The object of Arthur's attention lay comfortably, eyes shut, thinking.

Reflecting back on what had happened to him, Merlin felt fear sweep through him. They were supposedly with allies; but how could he be sure? How did he know that these weren't the very sorcerers who had pulled them away from Camelot?

Then he saw it. The slip up that "Torchwood" (going by the sign on the wall) had made.

The so- called 'Captain'…. What had he said?

"_So children, any questions?"_

Children? Merlin's heart almost stopped. Harkness was older than Arthur and him, granted… but, children? No, this man was older than he looked… which made him…

Merlin didn't know. Not a sorcerer, that was for sure. Merlin knew- nothing would prolong death. A life for a life.

So what was he? A monster?

Suddenly, Merlin felt a pang of homesickness. Gaius would know what to do. Deciding to get out of bed, he cracked open one eye.

Arthur was missing.

Sickened with fear and apparent futility, Merlin sprang out of bed.

Then he hit his head on the low ceiling, fell to the floor, jumped up, span around wildly looking for Arthur, and fell onto his bed; eyes searching the room wildly for his prince, no, his King…

Who was staring right back at him, laughing his head off.

* * *

Nuzzling into the hollow in Jack's back, Ianto woke up rather contently. For many reasons:

1) He had just woken up next to Jack Harkness after hours of… well, there was no analogy suitable, Ianto thought, disappointed. Heaven must come close, he supposed…

2) Jack was asleep, and had been at three in the morning, giving him at least two hours of sleep, and counting…

3) MERLIN was in his guest room!

Ianto would have jumped out of bed if his lover wasn't asleep for the first time in days.

Instead, he crept out then proceeded to tiptoe to the male changing room, intended for use after trips to the sewers hunting weevils (Jack hadn't wanted separate sex ones, but Owen had insisted).

Showering and putting on his favourite suit, Ianto glanced at his watch. 5.17 am. Two minutes late. Damn.

A bang and a thump alerted him to the fact that Arthur was awake. He would leave him alone until breakfast was ready- the Prince would probably need to contemplate his life for a bit.

Doing his usual checks and making the usual lists lasted until 5.45. Smiling at the fact that he had managed to regain the previously lost two minutes, Ianto prepared breakfast for their guests, plus extra, cursing the lack of maple syrup. Texting Gwen and Owen with the offer of breakfast, Ianto heard a bang, a thump, a muffled thud, and what seemed to be a hyena.

So Merlin had woken up.

Smiling- he knew how treacherous low ceilings could be, Ianto had just sent the text to Tosh as well when the alarms went off and she entered the hub.

"Hey Ianto- I thought you would make breakfast so I came in a bit earlier."

Ianto glanced at his watch- 6.20. By Tosh's standards, she was in fact 30 minutes early. Ianto grinned- Tosh was so in tune with him.

Tosh smiled too.

"I brought maple syrup- I knew we'd run out. Is that right?"

Ianto's grin became wider. He knew that she knew she was right.

* * *

Merlin and Arthur jumped in panic as the alarm went off. They did not know what it was, and Arthur grabbed for his absent sword. A couple of minutes later, there was a polite knock at the door.

"Come in!" Merlin yelled- quaking in his… slippers.

Ianto walked in.

"Anyone for breakfast?"

* * *

I think I wanna leave it there so that I can write a whole chapter about breakfast- yay Poor clumsy Merlin, I couldn't resist. Reviews… well… they aren't _life_, but are nearly as good… hmm *racks brain for suitable analogy*… I know. Reviews are cupcakes. (That's so-called "muffins" for all you American's out there… sort of…)


	3. Chapter 3

No copyright infringement intended… the almighty beeb owns the world (shh… people still don't know). And without further ado… breakfast! Nom nom nom.

Chapter three: Breakfast

* * *

Merlin looked around the conference room and marvelled. Pancakes, waffles, cereals, croissants, toast and two colossal jugs of coffee were wedged in between cold meats, cheeses, conserves and one of the fancy glass bottles of maple syrup that sells for the price of liquid gold.

Jack walked in, grinning.

"Morning Tosh, Ianto. Both looking gorgeous, as ever."

Tosh smiled, and Ianto's blush didn't escape the visitors' notice.

"Ianto, would you put on some music? I seem to recall some _Train_ albums appearing on the last 'Cover Story Maintenance' bill."

Without hesitation, Ianto marched to the Tourist Office to find said CDs. Jack was, of course, fully aware that running the tourist office was too boring a job to be performed without musical 'sustenance', as it were.

Jack and Tosh sat down, motioning for the others to follow suit. They all started to load up their plates with various pastries. _Drops of Jupiter _began to play.

"Turn it up, Ianto- this is one of my favourite bands."

Ianto, fully aware of this, dumped the remote control in front of Jack, and helped himself to a pancake.

Arthur, though well used to feasts and banquets, seemed disconcerted. Small details were running through his mind; the large bedroom, soft covers, soft floor, huge breakfast. The way that Captain Harkness's every order was obeyed without hesitation… it all seemed oh so familiar. It clicked. He could draw but one conclusion: Harkness was a king, the ruler of whatever kingdom they had ended up in.

A_ hostile_ king. Why else would he hide his true identity? They may not be in the future at all… the miraculous gadgets in the "bathroom" may be made with magic. How had he not realised sooner? Arthur panicked. They had to escape.

Merlin, unusually, was also on the ball. Harkness was an extremely powerful… thing. Merlin's theory that Jack wasn't human- perhaps wasn't even alive at all- had been confirmed when the young Warlock had reached out with his mind.

Instead of the constant high pitched buzz that Merlin had come to associate with the dormant magic inside all living creatures, Jack's subconscious emitted an erratic whooshing sound. It felt decidedly _unstable._

Both prince and warlock managed to hide their true feelings and relax somewhat, eating and laughing with the three present team members.

* * *

When Owen walked into the hub at 8.15am, grumpy and hung over, he expected to be stone cold last into work. Torchwood started, by necessity, extremely early and finished extremely late, with a nap in the afternoon if the rift was feeling kind. Hence the coffee.

He did not expect to walk in and find nobody working: rift alarms hooked up to the conference room, and Train playing so loudly that it was a wonder that nobody above them could hear the bass or feel the vibrations.

Following the sound of what had to be Ianto's CD; Owen found what looked like a three year olds birthday party. To his delight (none showed on his face, naturally), their visitors from Camelot were still there. And Gwen _wasn't_ there yet (this delight he did show).

"Not last in to work? Hell… my standards are slipping…"

Nothing.

"Gwen not here yet?"

Zilch.

"OY! I'M A SORCEROR!"

Nil.

Drastic times called for drastic measures. He pulled out the plug to the expensive stereo system.

Jack paled, snarling in anger.

"Put. That. Back. On."

Owen, too tired/ hung-over for an argument, put the music on, turning the volume down by 'accidentally' bumping into the speaker.

_Just in tiiiimmee… I'm so glad you have a one track mind like meeee…._

* * *

Two hours, three basketball matches and four weevils later, Arthur and Merlin were locked in their room whilst the team rushed around Cardiff bay trying to convince a couple of friendly but rather lost Vinvocci that the intergalactic shopping mall wouldn't exist for another 9000 years, and simultaneously trying to convince onlookers that they were shooting the next Men in Black film.

Arthur and Merlin had been given clothes, and dressed silently, somehow managing to work out the various zips and buttons. Arthur wore a pair of slightly baggy jeans, a red cotton t-shirt and a baggy black hoody. He still wore his boots from Camelot.

Merlin struggled slightly with the clothing, but won the battle. Arthur couldn't help but stare.

Skinny jeans and a royal blue T-shirt showed off his figure, while a brown leather jacket and red neck scarf kept Merlin decidedly… Merlinesque. Except that he seemed more powerful and assertive. Not just attractive, but full blown _sexy_.

Arthur decided to ponder his feelings later- they had to concentrate on the task at hand.

Merlin and Arthur spoke at the same time.

"I think that Jack…"

Smiling wryly, Arthur butted in first.

"I think that he's the king of a land in which sorcery is legal."

Merlin sighed in relief- he wouldn't have to make up excuses as to how he knew that Jack wasn't human- they could simply escape anyway.

"What were you going to say?"

_Damn._

"Err I think it's more than that… I think that Jack's a sorcerer or a monster or…"

"And you think this _why_?"

"I… heard him talking to himself. He said something about… err… 'humans'…"

"Really?" Arthur raised an eyebrow.

"Yup." Merlin looked around innocently and twiddled his thumbs.

Abandoning the reason _why_, both threw themselves into trying to escape. Insisting that Gaius had taught Merlin how to pick locks in case he ever needed potion ingredients and couldn't find the key to the store cupboard (Arthur suspected for a moment that Merlin had dabbled in thievery when he was younger, then laughed at the thought), Merlin unlocked the door with magic.

Unlocking doors was, luckily, one of the things that Merlin could achieve without incantations and had been able to do for years (this proved useful- he had lost the key to Gaius' chambers within a week).

Running up countless staircases (they hadn't been able to fathom the lift); Arthur and Merlin were panting by the time they reached the main hub. Opening the cog door took much more time and effort that the other door, but eventually Merlin managed it. The alarm blared, and the two men ran out of the tourist office and up the first alleyway they could find.

Straight into a weevil.

Of course, neither Merlin nor Arthur knew that the monster with rippled skin _was _a weevil. Nor did they know that, in the next alleyway, the Torchwood team was planning a routine weevil hunt.

"Ianto? You run forward to distract it. I'll use the tranquiliser gun. Owen, stay close as standby."

A green movement at the back of the street distracted Jack's speech.

"Gwen? Get rid of those damned Vinvocci."

When Arthur saw Ianto run down the alley, notice the weevil, and stop; he thought that something was wrong. When he saw the weevil swivel and charge at Ianto, he _knew_ that something was wrong. Reaching for a non existent sword, he turned to Merlin in horror.

Who was staring at Ianto, trying to discretely knock the weevil out with wordless magic. It was just unlucky that Arthur saw his eyes glow gold, who then heard the weevil roar and get flung backwards by an invisible force.

The Torchwood team flung themselves into the action to find that there wasn't any. Ianto was calmly checking the weevil's pulse, having already secured it with handcuffs. Jack tranquilised it to be on the safe side, looking thoroughly put out.

"I was looking forward to that!"

* * *

Well I can't continue there, can I? Sorry 'bout the minor cliff-hanger. What's more, usually I'll have the next chapter at least halfway started by the time I publish the previous one. And I have two more GCSEs to do. So it'll take even longer for the next chapter to appear. Sorry!


	4. Chapter 4

I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Remember… if you kill me then the story will NEVER finish… *laughs nervously* Nothing belongs to me at all in real life (yeah, my daydreams have lots to say about that). Anyway…

Chapter four: And chaos reigned

* * *

Arthur just stared at the unfortunate warlock, mouth opening and closing. Absurdly, Merlin had to fight off the urge to giggle. Hysterics being the last thing he needed right at that moment, Merlin's natural defence mechanism kicked in.

"Um. What was that?"

Stepping forward to take a closer look, stumbling on his own feet and landing with his face in a muddy puddle took skill and effort; but, as always, it distracted Arthur and made an evil-sorcerer-Merlin seem ridiculously unlikely.

Didn't it?

"MerLIN." Arthur spoke exasperatedly, then stopped. "You're a sorcerer."

The man in question straightened onto jelly-like legs, and managed a sheepish grin. "Erm… yes?"

Arthur's mind was on fire. MERLIN, a sorcerer. Merlin, a SORCERER. MERLIN, A SORCERER. Take a deep breath now. Merlin. A. Sorcerer? And so it came to pass that Prince Arthur, legend and hero, the Once and Future King, fainted in a cold cobbled alleyway in Cardiff.

Lowering the prince down with another flash of gold, Merlin looked up at the Torchwood team, who were- inevitably- watching the skinny warlock with open mouths.

Ianto recovered quickly, heaving the unconscious weevil into a body bag and carrying it across the plass and onto the pavement-lift, ignoring the mildly horrified gasps that followed and the mildly amused Jack that followed the gasps- offering a thermos of tea around to "calm the bystanders' nerves".

Owen, after a stunned silence and an extremely quirked eyebrow, somehow managed to bundle Arthur up into a second body bag and drag it towards Ianto, mumbling and cursing about image-obsessed-heavy-bodybuilder-princes.

Tosh ran after Owen, because… well. Because it was Owen.

Which left Gwen, thoroughly tired of uncooperative Vinvocci and her subsequent missing-out-of-action, to coax Merlin back into the hub.

"Oh come on, I don't have all day! We don't bite, y'know? Well… my husband certainly doesn't agree with me there, but-"

"Where are you taking him?"

Surprised by the slightly hysterical tone of voice, Gwen took a demi-step back.

"Just back to the hub- you can come too…"

And without a word, Merlin ran after the grumbling medic, shouting Arthur's name at the top of his voice.

* * *

Owen massaged his temples and looked at Jack exasperatedly.

"I can't wake him up! I've tried everything: adrenaline shot, caffeine shot, drums, claps, slaps…"

Somehow tuning Owen's rant out of his head, Jack frowned. Arthur should have woken up- he'd only fainted after all. No disease, no poison- he'd just fainted. And concussion wasn't even an option, because Merlin had magically lowered him to the floor.

The door burst open and Jack was forced back into the world, to hear Owen's rant finish with "EVEN BON JOVI!". Shaking his head, he turned to Merlin.

"You don't know any wakeup spells, do you? We can't seem to bring him back to the land of the conscious…"

Staring at Jack with amazement and a hint of amusement, Merlin skipped over to Arthur and positively bellowed, causing Owen and Jack to clamp hands to ears, and Tosh and Gwen to come running.

"WAKE UP YOU PRATTISH CLOTPOLE OF A PRIN…"

"Oh shut UP MerLIN." Arthur groaned and rubbed his head, before shooting out of the bed and freaking out when he saw an IV drip still attached to his hand.

"Ugh… why is that thing in my hand?" The question was asked in a detached, bored way. Merlin peered over to the source of Arthur's troubles and promptly started to freak out.

Amidst the yells and gesticulating skinny pale arms, Owen leaned over and tore the butterfly out of the prince's hand. Who had one hell of a glare, as the young medic was learning.

"That. Hurt."

Owen held up his hands and started a usual tirade of grumbling which went something along the lines of "…he wants it out of 'is hand, I pull it out, he complains, maybe I'll put it back in…" All in all, Ianto thought, it sounded like some obscure version of the hokey kokey.

"What was that thing in my hand? Are you a sorcerer trying to put a spell on me? Is Merlin in on this too?"

Another death glare.

Owen cracked.

"It's getting old, your _highness._ He's a sorcerer," a fling of a pale skinny arm in Merlin's direction, "She's a sorcerer;" another fling, this time at Gwen, "They're **all sorcerer's and trying to kill me!" **Both hands flew out, one managing to slap Jack across the face. In his rant, Owen didn't notice. Jack raised an eyebrow at Ianto. Ianto snorted into a handkerchief.

"It's not all about you! Maybe Merlin's right and you are a clotpole! …Though I've no _idea_ what a clotpole is…"

The last part was a soft, introspective mutter, but Jack still caught it.

"Means blockhead in Elizabethan slang. But according to _Urban Dictionary…" _a suggestive wiggle of the eyebrows followed "It means idiot dic…uh…penis. Head."

Tilting his head, Ianto smiled. "Never calling anyone a dickhead again."

"Yes, anyway!" Owen continued his rant, "Merlin just saved your life, and we're trying our damndest to send you back to daddy Uther, so just enough with the accusations!" Spinning round to go and sulk in the medical bay, Owen realised with a growl that everyone was standing round his autopsy table.

"Gah! Everyone get out of here or I'm going to crack!"

Jack, Ianto and Tosh; who had seen Owen crack under domestic (as opposed to work related) pressure before during an incident with a cracked floral tea cup and instant decaf coffee a couple of years ago; fled from his sanctuary.

Gwen, whilst having seen crack under work related stress (he had, after all, killed Jack a couple of months ago); had no idea that he was capable to blow up under such mundane (for Torchwood) circumstances.

Merlin had no intention of leaving Arthur.

Arthur had no intention of leaving Merli… had no intention of leaving without answers.

_Snap._

* * *

Maybe it had been Gwen, shifting a foot and accidentally stepping onto a discarded plastic tube which clearly had a medical use, even if Gwen had no idea what it did.

Maybe it had been Owen's entire head- brain cracking left and right hemisphere thoroughly apart, mind shattering in the process.

Whichever event had happened (Merlin was inclined to believe the latter), the result was such that three hours later Owen was still in the medical bay, sulking and/or tidying up hundreds of pounds worth of broken medical equipment; while Merlin, Arthur and Gwen had adjourned to the conference room, the teacup-decaf-instant-coffee story being regaled by Jack and Ianto.

"…and then, he spilled it all over the alien cadaver! Which, it turned out, wasn't partial to decaf coffee either-"

"-It ended up dissolving off half of its skin! Owen wasn't pleased at all, but he just stood there in shock..."

"Exhaustion probably! Ianto hadn't given him caffeine all day-"

"Because he called me "the tea boy" again, Sir. Anyway, Owen eventually stumbled over to his supply of adrenaline shots. The aftermath of his rant-come-destructive rampage cost us thousands!"

Tosh smirked. "Cost the taxpayers thousands."

Staring at the Torchwood team-sans-Owen, Arthur managed a tight smile. His mind was a whirlwind and he wished that he could make sense of the story. Merlin seemed to understand what this "caffeine" thing was- probably due to long hours working with Gaius- and was in hysterics with the rest of them.

All Arthur caught was that the Torchwood team had access to the taxpayers' money. Thinking that his earlier suspicions had just been confirmed, Arthur struck.

"Hey! So you _are_ royalty wherever we are! Is Jack the king? Why wouldn't you tell me? Are you an enemy of Camelot… _my Lord_?"

Sobering up, Jack regarded Arthur coolly.

"Aren't we allowed to have fun without you ruining it anymore? I'm not a king. And the only 'lord' I know is a Lord of time."

A warm breeze filled the air, permeated with a pulsating whooshing noise.

"Ah, here he is now."

* * *

Oops… didn't really mean to bring the Doctor into it… but now that he's there I s'pose he'll have to stick around for a bit! Looking over my earlier excuses I have to cringe… and vamp them up- I'm in the middle of my A Levels. Dang. This isn't abandoned (obviously) but I don't think my update rate is gonna improve. Sorry.

If anyone has an idea where the story's heading, PLEASE tell me, coz I've got no idea :/

Hope y'all enjoyed. Jemm.


End file.
